I wanted to write in response to an article from Salon.com today posted on Twitter by @taxgirl . While the article was meant to be a sarcastic take on “Joe the Plumber” and his socialist rantings, the premise of the article absolutely broke my heart.

The focus was on taxes and the claim that Obama wants to take the money out of the hand of working Americans and redistribute it to the ’slobs’ and ‘losers’ in this country.  But the best part was the satirical analysis of actually how much a person making over $250,000 would be giving up to help take some pressure off struggling Americans.

Ready for this?  $257 bucks.

All of that griping and cries of socialism for $257 bucks!

And that’s in the case of a person that just crosses the tax bracket.  I’m even more disgusted with the big corporations out there crying socialism and issuing public threats such as “Under Obama’s tax plan, we will have to reduce our spending which will eventually cost jobs for American workers”.

Really?!

Under John McCain, the largest corporations would recieve $45 Million in tax breaks.  And you know what these companies will do with their tax breaks?  They’ll open new factories in Taiwan and Indonesia because they can employ 15 workers at $5 a day as opposed to one American at $75 a day.

And with this same money that they used to take away our jobs, they will produce cheap products using cheap materials that eventually make us sick or put us in danger (Case in point: lead paint toys, toxic dog food, tainted baby formula, contaminated heparin).

And when your baby drinks toxic formula or you are injected with contaminated heparin in the hosptial, who is gonna foot the bill?  Certainly not the ‘poor’ corporation that put their profit ahead of your livelyhood.

I say these companies shouldn’t get one red cent in the form of a tax break becuase clearly they are doing a wonderful job saving on labor and manufacturing costs and really don’t need additional help from me.

Beyond that, if you are blessed to make more than 95% of the rest of us in this country, how could you be so selfish as to not wanting a small portion of your money going to a single mother of 3 that came down with cancer, is sick to death from chemo and relies on government assistance just to survive?

How can you turn a blind eye to the millions of people facing foreclosure and homelessness,  yet you are the first one to rally for a bailout when you see a dip in your 401(k)?

All I can say is this.  Your money could be gone tomorrow.  All it takes is a few unfortunate turn of events to find yourself homeless and begging for state aid– and one day the policies of greed and selfishness that you advocated may very well come back and bite you when you least expect it.

My D&C was on Thursday morning, October 2nd.  I was pretty nervous but held myself together until the doctor came in the little prep room and began to talk about the procedure.

I cried from the minute he said hello and straight into the operating room.  And apparently, it didn’t stop there.  I started crying again as soon as I opened my eyes in recovery and asked for the doctor because I wanted to know what they did with my baby.  And while it was a breeze physically, it was a lot harder than I could have ever imagined emotionally.

For the next two days I was a little crampy and out-of-sorts, but for the most part, OK.  Mentally, however, I’ve been on a roller coaster.  I have a feeling that the pregnancy hormones still in my body have something to do with this- as well as the sheer grief of loosing a baby.

For example, I’ve been waking up out of a sound sleep in a full blown panic attack- to the point I have to physically get up and take my anxiety medicine because I can’t catch my breath and feel like I’m going to die.

During the day I feel jittery- like my mind and body are racing 100 miles an hour and I can’t shut them off.  Sometimes I am numb and other times I bawl my eyes out thinking about the awful things I said when I first learned of the pregnancy.

It’s been a roller coaster to say the least. 

But I thank God that I still have my beautiful baby boy to love and can’t imagine what It feels like for mothers who deal with this for years only to find out they can’t have kids anyway.  It must be an absolute nightmare physically and emotionally.

Bottom line, I’m hangin’ in there. 

(Oh and I’m still trying to figure out what the heck I’m supposed to do with the $500 bag of beautiful maternity clothes I just bought from Destination Motherhood that had a 10 day return policy.)

Well I guess they call it “fetal death” in my situation because I didn’t actually miscarry the baby. 

Whatever.  I am just in complete shock over this. 

We went in for our first ultrasound on Monday night.  We brought our 9 month old son and the tech was laughing and telling us how close in age his kids are too and that we are in for a real challenge.

I just kinda hopped up on the table (because, well you know, im a pro at this stuff by now) and got myself situated for the ultrasound.

The doctor then placed the stick thing on my belly and started typing.  I, on the other hand, started panicking because I did not see a heartbeat on the screen.  Out loud I said, “that baby doesn’t have a heartbeat, does it?”

He looked up from what he was doing and said “hold on a minute, I haven’t even started the test….” and within 15 seconds he said, “I’m sorry, your right, the baby passed 2 weeks ago”.

My heart stopped too.

The room was just silent as the tech shuffled me, Joe and the baby into a conference room to wait for a doctor.  After 15 minutes of more heart-wrenching silence, I was told the doctor was unavailable and wanted to speak to me on the phone.

He was very nice but had no answers.  All he could tell me was to go home and call my doctor in the morning.  Not a why, not a how, nothing.  Just go to sleep.

I pretty much held myself together until I had to tell the ladies at the front desk that I would not be coming back for the second part because the baby had died.  I just quickly shuffled myself out the door and broke down in the hallway.

I cried all night long.

I couldn’t help but feel this tremendous amount of guilt for not wanting the baby when I first found out about the pregnancy.  I was terrified basically because I had just left my job at the firm, Joe finally got a job after loosing his business, we were in the process of filing bankruptcy because of Joe’s partner’s accident and business loss, and I was struggling with my panic attacks again.

When I saw the words “pregnant” on that stick, I just about lost it.  But overtime I grew to accept the pregnancy and embraced the fact that my kids would be so close growing up.

I just don’t even have the words to describe my shock.  People ask if I had any idea it was happening.  I really didn’t.  I had no pain, no bleeding, nothing. Plus I was 13 weeks (or so I thought).  In my mind, I was safe because I made it to the second trimester.

 The only thing I did notice (which is not medically significant), is that when I was pregnant with Jake, I would have dreams every night of a healthy baby boy (I knew he was a boy before they told me).  On the other hand, I never dreamt of this baby. I even mentioned to Joe that I wasn’t dreaming about the baby and wondered if it was an attachment issue because I was so freaked out in the beginning.

Anyway, I finally got ahold of my OB/GYN in the morning and had to argue with the receptionist to squeeze me in.  What part of “I don’t want this thing prolonged for days on end….” don’t you understand lady?  I digress.

They gave me an appointment at 2:45 and didn’t take me until 3:30.  When i got back into the room, my OB didn’t have my ultrasound results from the previous night (she had JUST requested them) and told me she couldn’t schedule the D&C until she reviewed everything for herself.  More delays.

I was promised the nurse would call me first thing this morning to set something up, but as usual I called THEM at noon and asked for someone to please take care of this before it drug on until next week.  My harassing finally paid off and I was given an appointment for 8 am tomorrow morning at Virtua Voorhes.

As usual, I am scared to death of having the procedure and asked the pre-admissions nurse if I can have “happy meds” upon arrival.  After reviewing my history of anxiety, she definitely agreed and  promised me they would take good care of me.

So the whole thing is almost over with, but I still have this heavy depression hanging over me. That was my baby.  I saw its little arms and legs on the screen. It was all slumped and shriveled over.  It was just horrible.

I know thing happen for a reason, I am just having a very hard time accepting that right now.  Hopefully as time goes on, I’ll feel more numb to the situation, but in the meantime, my heart is completely broken over the loss of my little angel.

I miss my meds!

For anyone that’s ever had a panic attack, found some comfort in medicine and then got PREGNANT, you know what i’m going through right now.

My grandmother died this weekend and it sparked that horrible fear of dying/fear of the unknown that causes me tremendous anxiety.  The more I thought about her passing, the more I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest and that I would be the next one to drop dead.

I couldn’t concentrate, I was shaking, I didn’t want to leave my house and I physically could not calm myself down.  I had at least 4 severe attacks yesterday and just sat in tears until they passed.

Normally when this happens, I take a half of .25 mg of xanax (I’m a lightweight) to ease the hyperventilation and calm my nerves a bit.  But, since I’m pregnant, I just have to suffer it out.

Thankfully I have an OB/GYN who understands the severity of panic disorder and recommended a few weeks ago that I take benedryl if it gets this bad.  I’ve yet to go that route, but its comforting to know there’s SOMETHING I can do instead of making a trip to the ER.

I’ve also started myself on a magnesium/B vitamin/calcium combination to see if I can’t fight back using a more natural approach.  I’ve even considered meeting with a local doctor that specializes in alternative medicine for some ideas on how to deal with a chemical imbalance without medication.

I would love to hear of any success stories out there of women that have controlled their panic disorder during pregnancy.

So it’s been exactly 1 week since my unplanned pregnancy was confirmed via internal exam.  I’m still very much in denial and have only told close friends and family (oh yeah, and the whole blogosphere). 

My emotions have been very up in the air with this one.  When I found out about Jake, I was nervous, but excited.  This time around I find myself crying at the thought of having a 2 kids only 16 months apart.  The words “I can’t do this” and “I just didn’t want another baby right now” have escaped out of my mouth more than once in the past week.

Now I realize how wrong that is.  The baby didn’t ask to be born– and the timing issue is my own fault.  I just still can’t help this overwhelming sadness that keeps coming on me regarding the whole thing.

I also realize that i’m pregnant, emotional and stressed out from all of the other drama that is my life, so im hoping with time that I’ll be more accepting of our new bundle of joy.

But today, as my 9 month old won’t sleep and cries all night because his teeth hurt and I can’t even see straight because im throwing up all day and we are barely back on our feet financially, I can’t help but feel distant this time around.

Even seeing these thoughts put to paper (er, blog) makes me feel like a horrible mother.  Of course I will love this baby and make due, but i’m sad about it and can’t seem to shake these early baby blues.

You may already know that I’m a christian.  I even belong to a pentecostal church.

The kicker:  I’m a hardcore democrat.

Admittedly, this has caused some hard feelings between me and my church friends.  Instead of logical questions regarding my position and my support for Barak Obama, I get emotional accusations such as “Your a murderer if you support abortions,” or “How can you let those gays get married?” etc.

Those ignorant accusations don’t really phase me though, as I typically inform naysayers that Jesus is a borderline socialist.  After all, the apostles were instructed (and later taught their followers) to live in common.  That meant those with extra were to give it away so everyone was equal at all times. 

Jesus also harped on the fact that the widows and the poor were to be taken of- no questions asked.

Finally, Jesus was ridiculed for hanging out with “sinners” or those that did not believe or adhere to his Jewish upbringing.  For example, Mary Magdeline was quite the hoochie.  If she lived in our day and age, I’m sure she would have a few abortions under her belt.  But he loved her anyway. 

In my opinion, the lifestyle and teachings of Jesus are the exact opposite of those on the religious right.  Yes, the bible teaches certain things are wrong- but you are required to love these people anyway and support them financially if they are among the poor– even if it requires giving welfare to a “white trash” single mother with 5 kids barely getting by.

Sadly, It’s that type of intollerance that caused a literal fist fight at a family wedding tonight (I know, I know… more white trash).  Basically, my uncle by marriage who beats anyone he encounters with his bible (yet hes the biggest hypocryite you’ll ever meet) decided to talk smack to my dad.

Mind you, my father was raised by his single dad, ate government cheese for years, served during the vietnam war, and took a union job with the Teamsters- from which he retired 8 years ago.  Does my dad identify with anything republican? Heck no. 

He votes for the little guy.

Cue the crazy uncle with his religious right rantings.  According to him, if your not voting for McCain, your “giving the country over to the mulims,” “letting the faggots do whatever they want,” and “murdering babies because you support abortion.”

His intollerance sooned turned into anger, which turned into name calling, which led to threats and ultimately a gesture that he would hit my dad who is twice his size.  Well in the spirit of “self defense” my dad clocked him in the face- which is the perfect example of just how polarizing this election really is.

But the point I want to make is that the “religous right” better get their act together. 

The Jesus I know woudln’t treat people the way you do.  The Jesus I know would gladly support tax dollars going into programs such as WIC, Head Start, Welfare, etc. to give the poor a little extra boost in this world. 

The Jesus I know would not sign off on your greed and lust for money.  He would probably set fire to your multi million dollar mega churches, knowing full well that donations built those churches instead of helping the poor.

Note: If I really wanted to help people and took a non-profit job tomorrow, I would have to come to terms with the fact that i’m not going to be the richest girl in the world.  I think the same should hold true with church executives.  You don’t “deserve” a bentley from your people because your the “man or woman of God.”  You don’t “deserve” to be poor, but you don’t “deserve” to be a millionare when you choose to take a job of this nature. 

Finally, don’t assume all democrats are baby killers or closet gays.  I may not support abortions for example, but I don’t have the right to make that decision for someone else.  My God is a God of free-will and free choice.  I can nicely explain why I personally do not belive in such things, but I have no right to force my beliefs onto someone else.

That’s exactly why the separation between church and state is a good thing.  I don’t want someone else forcing their religion on me, nor should the religious right be allowed to inject their views on an unwilling audience. 

We are to win people over by our love and examples.  Sheer ignorance will get you nowhere my friends.

So in the meantime, you will continue to loose your clout, as two promient evanglical leaders have this election year due to intollerance.  And the further you shy away from social justice, the more you will look like complete hypocrites…because social justice is what this thing is all about.