If you follow me on Twitter or frequent my blog, you know October was a long month here in Jerseymomma land.
Shortly after loosing the baby, I had 3 monster panic attacks that left me home-bound for almost the entire month. If you’ve never had a panic attack, the concept of agoraphobia (or the fear to leave your house) probably sounds totally irrational.
However, for people with panic disorder, its an unfortunate way of life. You become so fearful that another panic attack will happen in a place where you’ll either make a fool out of yourself or can’t get help, that you simply don’t leave the house until it passes.
The best way to describe it is 24/7 stage fright. The minute you step out the front door, your knees go weak, your head spins, you get a knot in your stomach and feel as though you will physically drop dead if you go one step further.
Not only is this inconvenient, but its extremely frustrating and depressing as your reminded of all the stuff you could be/do if you weren’t dealing with panic disorder and the stigma of “mental illness”.
Thank God I have a wonderful husband and family that pampered the crap out of me until I was somewhat back on my feet. I treated myself as though I had the flu all month long, getting plenty of rest and not pushing myself beyond what I was capable of for that day.
I also tried to be patient with myself, as I was dealing with a lethal combination of post-pregnancy hormones and grief- which probably made things 100 times worse than normal.
Likewise, I decided to give anxiety medication another shot, which i’m sure is helping too. I’m trying Lexapro for the first time ever and there’s always my good friend and confidant, Xanax.
I’ve gotten pretty serious with the spiritual side of this too, as I have refused to let fear stop me this past week and pressed through even on my worst days. If the Bible is true (as I like to believe it is), then I have authority over this thing and fear has to get under my feet. Its up to me, however, start walking in that authority and “do it afraid” until I’m able to finally beat this thing all together.
So at least things are looking up this week and I’ve been out-and-about, but its been one rough month. The pain of the miscarriage is finally starting to subside, but the experience took such a toll on my mind and emotions that i’ll be cleaning up the after effects for quite some time.
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I’m happy that you are able to gather the resolve you need to push through it.
It is inspiring to me (and many others, I’m certain).
If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.
@WilliamRPerry
Honey, I am glad to hear you are a bit better. The American Medical Association says that losing a baby is a HUGE life event and can cause deep depression for up to 6 months. I went thru a deep depression for exactly that long. Its hard because your loss is so private. I kept a photo of a tribeswoman in an African tribe: all the women had shaved heads but women who lost babies grew a bit at their forehead and beaded white beads in. That way the tribe knew of her loss. Sweet.
I also know that one natural way to help in the throes of a panic attack is to move around. All the blood leaves your head and extremities in an attack. If you get up and walk, even in your own room, you force the blood back into the extremities and can recuperate more smoothly. That being said, I hit the ER two months ago, after my mom died. I’d survived a buddy’s death, my own divorce, selling my home and relocating my kids twice. When my mom died unexpectedly, my body hit a wall. I thought it was a heart attack but it wasn’t, it was the mother of all panic attacks. I took it real slow for a few weeks and am back to my strength again. I hope the best for you. And remember that lots of people are thinking good thoughts for you!
I’m sorry to hear about your panic attacks, but I’m glad you are feeling some relief from the sorrow after your miscarriage. Keep the faith I can tell you have and have been believing in. You’re doing just fine.
Hugs to you @jerseymomma!
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much this past month, sweetie. Although I never had a miscarriage, I did have SEVERE postpartum depression, so I recognize some of the symptoms you are talking about. I hope that with each day, things are getting better as you are learning to cope . I am glad that you have been nurturing yourself back to health. Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure that there are alot of women out there that can relate, and you are helping them with your words.
I don’t have to deal with panic attacks but through my old online community (I used to co-admin a mental health forum) I talked to a lot of people who do so I know how debilitating they can be. But I’m glad you’re able to take the Xanax now and I hope that’s helping. And its good to see you taking care of yourself when it happens. That’s one thing my therapist asks me all the time… “What are you doing to take care of yourself?”
Anytime you’re trapped at home like that, I’m only an email away and I can send you my phone number too.
Hugs to you sweetie!
Glad to hear you are willing to get some extra help from pharmaceuticals. Sometimes, we cannot do it without it. Therapy is excellent too. I think the most emotional things we go through are with our children and with the hormones raging, are the hardest things to deal with without drugs and therapy.
That is my opinion from one who has been there. Sorry for your loss.
Emily, NJ Moms
Wow, that sounds like a really tough month!
My deepest condolences for your loss. My close cousin is having a hard time dealing with the same thing right now so i see how rough it gets. Hang in there!
I was just reading through your blog, and I’m happy to hear you’re doing better after a difficult time. I agree with Emily, if you haven’t already, consulting with a therapist, which never has to be a long term thing, is a good idea.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss! I’ve found with Xanax that I get a rebound effect. The day after taking it I get really low/depressed and snappish. So keep an eye out for that. I’ve had better luck on the long term anti-anxiety. Email me if you ever want to talk about it - I’ve been dealing with the depression/anxiety meds since my son was born 6 years ago. You can pick my over-googled brain on it all if you need to.
Take care!
What would you do for a Klondike bar?
“What would you do for a Klondike bar!” Ok this has to be an inside joke, but I hope it brings a smile to your face.
I know sorry’s don’t do much, but I’ll keep you in our prayers. Stay strong and know that you have a wonderful support system here. Much love!
What would you do for a Klondike bar!
Seriously, Your post touched me very much. You are in my thoughts and prayers!