Well I guess they call it “fetal death” in my situation because I didn’t actually miscarry the baby.
Whatever. I am just in complete shock over this.
We went in for our first ultrasound on Monday night. We brought our 9 month old son and the tech was laughing and telling us how close in age his kids are too and that we are in for a real challenge.
I just kinda hopped up on the table (because, well you know, im a pro at this stuff by now) and got myself situated for the ultrasound.
The doctor then placed the stick thing on my belly and started typing. I, on the other hand, started panicking because I did not see a heartbeat on the screen. Out loud I said, “that baby doesn’t have a heartbeat, does it?”
He looked up from what he was doing and said “hold on a minute, I haven’t even started the test….” and within 15 seconds he said, “I’m sorry, your right, the baby passed 2 weeks ago”.
My heart stopped too.
The room was just silent as the tech shuffled me, Joe and the baby into a conference room to wait for a doctor. After 15 minutes of more heart-wrenching silence, I was told the doctor was unavailable and wanted to speak to me on the phone.
He was very nice but had no answers. All he could tell me was to go home and call my doctor in the morning. Not a why, not a how, nothing. Just go to sleep.
I pretty much held myself together until I had to tell the ladies at the front desk that I would not be coming back for the second part because the baby had died. I just quickly shuffled myself out the door and broke down in the hallway.
I cried all night long.
I couldn’t help but feel this tremendous amount of guilt for not wanting the baby when I first found out about the pregnancy. I was terrified basically because I had just left my job at the firm, Joe finally got a job after loosing his business, we were in the process of filing bankruptcy because of Joe’s partner’s accident and business loss, and I was struggling with my panic attacks again.
When I saw the words “pregnant” on that stick, I just about lost it. But overtime I grew to accept the pregnancy and embraced the fact that my kids would be so close growing up.
I just don’t even have the words to describe my shock. People ask if I had any idea it was happening. I really didn’t. I had no pain, no bleeding, nothing. Plus I was 13 weeks (or so I thought). In my mind, I was safe because I made it to the second trimester.
The only thing I did notice (which is not medically significant), is that when I was pregnant with Jake, I would have dreams every night of a healthy baby boy (I knew he was a boy before they told me). On the other hand, I never dreamt of this baby. I even mentioned to Joe that I wasn’t dreaming about the baby and wondered if it was an attachment issue because I was so freaked out in the beginning.
Anyway, I finally got ahold of my OB/GYN in the morning and had to argue with the receptionist to squeeze me in. What part of “I don’t want this thing prolonged for days on end….” don’t you understand lady? I digress.
They gave me an appointment at 2:45 and didn’t take me until 3:30. When i got back into the room, my OB didn’t have my ultrasound results from the previous night (she had JUST requested them) and told me she couldn’t schedule the D&C until she reviewed everything for herself. More delays.
I was promised the nurse would call me first thing this morning to set something up, but as usual I called THEM at noon and asked for someone to please take care of this before it drug on until next week. My harassing finally paid off and I was given an appointment for 8 am tomorrow morning at Virtua Voorhes.
As usual, I am scared to death of having the procedure and asked the pre-admissions nurse if I can have “happy meds” upon arrival. After reviewing my history of anxiety, she definitely agreed and promised me they would take good care of me.
So the whole thing is almost over with, but I still have this heavy depression hanging over me. That was my baby. I saw its little arms and legs on the screen. It was all slumped and shriveled over. It was just horrible.
I know thing happen for a reason, I am just having a very hard time accepting that right now. Hopefully as time goes on, I’ll feel more numb to the situation, but in the meantime, my heart is completely broken over the loss of my little angel.
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I am so, so, so sorry.
I know that there is nothing I can say to make it better but I am thinking about you and my heart HURTS for you and your family.
You don’t know me from a hole in the wall but I’ve been following you on Twitter and had to comment. I’ve been in your shoes… twice. The last time was a little over 2 months ago. It’s hard. There is guilt. But the pain fades. Trust me when I say that blaming yourself or your feelings toward the pregnancy do much more harm than good. Your body did what it needed to do. You didn’t do anything to your body. You need to believe that.
My thoughts are with you as you recover both physically and mentally.
Reading this was absolutely heart-wrenching - I can’t tell you how much I wish you didn’t have to have this experience. There are no words adequate to provide comfort or solace in this situation but just know that there are many women who have connected with you who are keeping you in their thoughts and hearts and I am just one of them.
Oh Amber, my heart just breaks for you.
I was worried about you last night.
If it gets too hard to deal with, ask your OB if they can recommend one of those “crisis counselors” that deal with pregnancy issues.
I’m still praying for you and if there’s anything at all that I can do, let me know.
I’m so sorry. I’m not going to say I know how you feel, because I don’t. But I do know that you are surround by love both IRL and virtually. Know that you are thought of and hugged often.
I will keep up our snarky end of the debate tomorrow night on Twitter. I’ll try to double post as if you were with me. ::sigh::
*Pat Pat *- I understand how you must have felt. Have been through D/C twice myself before the birth of my 2 boys. It was devastating and the experience made me kind of paranoid when I was expecting the boys that I took every single precaution that I could.
I had to come over here and comment and tell you how strong you are and what a wonderful woman you are as well. I know you only via Twitter and i would love to send you a great big hug. Hang in there, and every day it will get easier.
My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.
I am so sorry! I’m a brand new reader to your site, followed you over from twitter. Just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve gone through this myself, years ago, and it’s a horrible thing to try to deal with and get through. I won’t say “get over” because you never will, but the pain will lessen over the years. I still think about the little one I lost all the time. I wish I could say something witty and smart that would help you with this pain but there isn’t anything that can be said other then if you ever want to talk, or vent, or cry, let me know…
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
Andrea
Just got your text and read this…
Please know we will continue sending up prayers for you
during this difficult time for you & your family.
moment by moment…day by day
blessings & hugs……
Amber hon? I just wanted to take another second to let you know how profoundly sorry I am for your loss.
Planned or unplanned, joyfully relieved or shocked then accepted, there’s just no difference when it comes to the heartbreak of losing a baby.
I’m so sorry you have joined the ranks of women who know this loss. It’s not a simple grief. But there are many out there who get it. If you think it will help, find a support group. If not, remember that you have your own support group (from twitter and elsewhere) and we are grieving with you.
(((((hug)))))
(((hugs))) So sorry for your loss. It is heart-wrenching when this happens. Weirdly, I too had dreams with my healthy pregnancies - I knew each one was okay and a boy. But between child #1 and #2 I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and I knew for weeks that something was wrong - and I never dreamed of that baby. Our intuition is a powerful thing.
Take good care of yourself and hold that little boy you do have tight every night. That’s what got me through my loss.
Sending you many hugs and much love for you in your time of grief. I am so sorry.
Hi, I believe I needed to read your post to knock some sense into my head. I have actually been feeling bad about being pregnant again more because of the fact that I am emotionally, physically and psychologically not ready for another baby after the twins. I had been doing so well with my NFP and was able to keep off being pregnant for 19 months after their birth so to find out I was pregnant was devastating for me. Many a times I wish to go to the bathroom and find blood and that it all over and I am not pregnant. In fact I had tried and tried to accept my state and many a times I do only to find my self relapsing. Many a times I feel so guilty just even thinking about wanting to lose the baby. I am 10 weeks pregnant and i guess stumbling on your site was just to knock some sense into my head.
Thanks for sharing your experience, believe me, you have touched a life.
I know exactly how you feel. I was 15 weeks into my first pregnancy when I found out I lost the baby. Did they do tests to find out why (usually they do if it’s in the second trimester, because like you said, it’s not common). Hang in there, the pain will get easier. It never fully goes away (there are times still, 8 years later, that I think what if?)
Wow, I just realized you have been through this. So sorry. I’ll pray. If you need anything, I’m only a town away.
[...] after loosing the baby, I had 3 monster panic attacks that left me home-bound for almost the entire month. If [...]